How to help a grieving friend
It’s always difficult to know
just what to say or do when a loved one is dealing with loss.
Since every death is a singular experience
— and since everyone works through the grieving process in different ways —
there are no hard and-fast rules governing how best to help a friend or a family
member who’s been sidelined by sadness.
There are guidelines, however,
that can help you turn compassion and care into helpful action — without intruding
on someone else’s grief or making a bad situation even worse.
For instance, while we may not always
know what to say, one of the most important things a person can provide to
another is a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Strive to listen actively,
attentively and without judgment, and avoid steering conversations or changing
the subject — even if friends outwardly express emotion or repeat the same
stories over and over.
Don’t impose expectations or parameters
on their responses, and don’t rush to over-empathize or say, “I know exactly
how you feel.” (You probably don’t.) Remember that everyone grieves at his or
her own pace, and one of the best supports you can offer them in the meantime
is ample time and space to heal.
“It’s good to draw on the
experiences of other people who’ve gone through the grieving process — but
(most people) do that afterwards,” says Ed Coutu, Jr., funeral director at
Edward J. Coutu Funeral Home.
“At that moment in time — when
their loved one has just passed away and they’re preparing for the funeral —
it’s all about them, and their loved one and their family.
”When it is your turn to talk,
do your best to avoid clichés — words can be particularly painful in times of mourning,
and phrases such as, “Time heals all wounds,” and “They’re in a better place
now,” come across as attempts to diminish grief by offering a pat solution.
If you do find yourself stuck
for words, err on the side of simplicity: phrases like “Sorry for your loss,”
and “Thinking of you,” convey support without running the risk of sounding
smug. When filling out sympathy cards, feel free to share a cherished memory of
the individual in question — this helps to remind your friend they’re not alone
in their grief, and will offer them comfort if they reread your message months,
or even years later.
“Sometimes (the family) haven’t heard
these stories before, because everyone has these unique relationships in their
lives,” explains funeral director Carol Richardson, of Wojcik’s Funeral Chapel
& Crematorium.
“It’s a chance for them to
experience these parts of their loved one’s life that they weren’t even aware
of before. And that’s very comforting to a lot of families.
”Practical help is often welcome
in times of mourning, and gifts of food (particularly baking, or a dish that
can be frozen and warmed up later) give you a chance to provide a tangible
gesture of support, while still respecting your friend’s privacy.
Depending on how close you are
to the person who’s grieving, you could also offer to help with household
chores, yard work and snow clearing, or to look after their children while they
take care of arrangements.
One of the most obvious ways of showing
support is by attending the funeral or memorial service held to honour the
person who’s passed on. Funerals can provide a sense of closure to the grieving
process — giving us a chance to celebrate our loved ones’ lives, while also
saying goodbye one last time — and it helps immeasurably to be surrounded by those
who support us in our loss, even if it’s been a while since we were last in
touch.
“Often, we hardly see each
other, because everybody’s lives are so fast paced,” says Wojcik’s founder
Richard Wojcik.
“So especially when you haven’t
seen someone for a while, it’s comforting to know they were there in support of
you and your family … And I think it’s also a real eye-opener for some people. We
get so busy in our lives that we sometimes forget who our friends are, and then
all of a sudden — there they are.
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